I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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