Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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