Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
