I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
