so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
