Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
