Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
