Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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