you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
