mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
