Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
