My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i came on her dog
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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