I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
