the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
