Have you finally orgasmed yet?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
