I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
