so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
