Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
