You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
