I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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