I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
