Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
