i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
