Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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