Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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