I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
