Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
