i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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