getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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