Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
