hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
