i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
