happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
