i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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