just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
