distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
