thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
