Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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