I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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