From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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