you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
