I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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