I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
