ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
