I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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