i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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