did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
