There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
