I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
