one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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