the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
